Another long break

So, I took another extremely long break away from blogging. Been working on my office, on learning the art of self-reliance and just generally trying to get myself back on my feet. It has been an extremely emotionally challenging month.
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That aside, the office is finally coming to shape and I've been in talks with people. I don't think the studio is going to lack business but I hope this isn't just my over-confidence talking here. I honestly, sincerely hope that things are going to work out fine because I've put in nothing short of my best for the past few weeks.

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My heart has been extremely heavy lately. I like what I am doing but I don't like the way my closest people are leaving me.

It's 5.18am and my thoughts are incoherent as ever.

I haven't cried for awhile but tonight I wish something would trigger off an emotional meltdown. I'd like that. I think it'd be good for my heart. I think it'd be nice to let go for once.

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I miss you, you and you. I miss my 18th and 19th birthday. I miss having all of you around me. I miss feeling like I don't have a thing to worry about at all. I miss having you around me. I miss the past 7 years.

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This post seems to be a compilation of all the snippets of thoughts going through my mind this dreary Monday morning. The boyfriend just woke up. Guess this is my cue for goodnight then.

I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Next post up ~ pictures of the completed office/studio!

Top 10 Favorite Things in My Life:

1. Being embraced into a hug. I love hugs. They are like the precious invisible fingers that wraps around your heart to give it the warmth it so desperately needs.

2.  Having your tongue slip into my mouth in a passionate kiss. The feeling is so overwhelming I cannot begin to really describe it. It's like an act of possession and recognition altogether. I like it.

3. Waking up to your favorite person beside you, still sleeping. Just looking at his sleepy face makes every single bit of pain that you've carried onto yourself worth it.

4. Completing a piece of work to your very own satisfaction. I cannot begin to tell you how much euphoria I feel whenever I complete my work on time and "perfectly" the way I like it.

5. Satisfying my cravings. Hot dogs, Steak, Chocolates, Strawberries, Cheese, Ice Cream... How can you ever deny your cravings?! One of the best things in life, as I call it, is eating the food you love. How can there be happiness when you are denying your body of such pleasurable sins?

6. Working on my business. It's the most pleasurable thing to be working on something so intimate to your heart. It's like your very own baby and I honestly hope that everything will all pay off in good time.

7. Meeting up with my secondary school classmates. The mere fact that we have not drifted apart despite having graduated for 4 years makes me extremely contented and happy. I love all my Dunmanites and I hope circumstances won't change my friendship with anyone.

8. Holding Hands. It's a most blissful feeling to have his fingers wrapped around yours and only yours. I like to feel like I am protected and wanted.

9. Meeting my best friends. I don't see my best friends on a daily or weekly basis. Sometimes we go as much as a few months without meeting. That does not mean that we are anything short of best friends though. We are still best friends leading our own lives and coming to each other to seek the best friend sort of comfort and love.

10. Hanging out with my family. I don't spend enough time with them. But they are the people I love the most in life. So hanging out with them brings me the sorta joy nothing else can ever beat.

♥

2 halves of a whole

Today, I'd like to talk about my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is just about the best (and most amazing) gift life has ever granted to me. When I was down, he was there. When I wanted something for myself, he'd help me with it. When I blogged about him in the past, he'd shyly tell me that it made him blush. And when he told me that, it made me blush too.

We've been together for almost 6 years now. That is about 30% of my life. I've known him and been together with him for about 30% of our lives. It's not a lot, but no one is to say that it's little too.

What I can say about us is that we are 2 vastly different people put together and moulded together to form what people call love. But I think sometimes that I don't only just love him, I admire and adore him. To me, he's sometimes what I'd call perfection. But he also drives me nuts... He's the one person whom I've trusted everything to and has the ability to destroy me with his words. He's the one person I've decided to give up my vulnerability to.

I count on him... Yet sometimes I feel like I love him so much I've to push him away. In fact, I know for fact that I push him away more than I've ever pushed anyone away. I've rejected him for countless times for no reason at all. And he doesn't know. He doesn't have to know.

I remember there was this time when we were 15 I think that he went to a camp only to come back with severe food poisoning. I didn't hear from him for a long time and when I finally did, I was worried sick about him. When he came back, I went to his house to see him. He passed me a toy that wailed "I love you" in a squeaky voice when you pressed its tummy. He was pale and more tired that I remember him looking. He told me later on that his food poisoning made him feel absolutely shitty and he thought he was going to die... But he wouldn't die because he knew I depended my life on his and that he had to come back to see me... To take care of me.

And for as long as I remember...

No matter what emotional hurt he inflicts upon me sometimes, he's always been there to protect my heart at the very least...

I cannot remember what pushed me to write this entry in the first place. I don't know why I decided it'll be a good idea to blog about the closest topic to my heart. But I think this will be my favorite blog entry for a long long while. Just like how he's one of my favorite person in the world and my favorite topic to ever talk about.

Chase your dreams.

Been awhile again.

I made a major decision to take that leap of faith the other day. I've decided to fully focus my efforts on the business and take a gap year first before I jump onto the university wagon. Although I fully understand the risks of failing my business and losing an entire year of my youth, I feel like I have to do this. I don't want to grow to regret any of my decisions in the future... And losing a year of my youth is far less painful than losing the opportunity to carry out my dreams.

I want to make Thursday Tales successful. I will make Thursday Tales, myself and my entire team successful within the next 5 years. I will. Trust me, watch me. It will happen.

My heart feels like it's been through a lot of emotional turmoil. It feels tired and exhausted and in pain. I still have a lot of personal issues to deal with...

It is extremely, extremely exhausting.

But I think one of the best things I've learned from this entire ordeal is to really, really follow your heart and trust it. Your brains might tell you the best thing you should do but your heart tells you the things that will make you happy. And my personal philosophy in life is that if you're not happy and that you're regretting every single decision you're making, then you've not lived before.

♥

Vilvian: The Loner

I was talking about choosing schools with the boyfriend today and after the conversation, I think I pretty much realized how much of a loner I actually am...

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I recall back to the times when I was in upper primary. I think I was pretty unpopular with my classmates then. I guess I was pretty uncool... I didn't hang out with the "cool" people, I didn't have an "amoeba" (as they call it) assigned to me then, I didn't play soccer at the void deck after school with them... And I think I only had friends because I was slightly more affluent at that time. I mean even my teacher kinda hated me (but that's a story for another day).

So... Back then I don't think I had many friends at all. I mean I guess I had fun and all. But it's a different kind of fun. The type of fun they have when they are together is totally different from what they had with me. With me, it was always a lot more regulated and toned down I guess...

And I suppose that was my first step to kinda becoming a loner.

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Later on in my life, my father got betrayed by his best friend - who was also quite a fatherly figure in my life then. In almost an instant, the people whom I thought truly loved me and my family left us. I had to go through the most painful 2 years of my life - nursing the wounds of betrayal and abandonment while having to put up with A LOT of changes. That betrayal caused us a few million dollars, my father's company as well as most of my parents' bank account. So I think we can all imagine the extent of that betrayal.

It stung. A lot. Even till today, almost 6-7 years later, I still feel hurt when I think of everyone who's left my family then.

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So I guess right there and then, I became a lot more wary of the people around me. I started over thinking things to a fault. I started choosing my friends. I started to talk lesser and learned how to observe more. I started to become the odd one out.

But I don't think I've ever been terribly unpopular as well. I mean as much as I was a loner, I also made quick friends and some really good/closer friends as well. I still mingled around... But you know, it's just kind of different.

I don't maintain friendships well, that's for sure. I hardly take the initiative to ask a friend out. I don't think I have much of an initiative at all.

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And now that I've gotten to another stage of my life, I see my lack of friendships even more apparently now... I hardly get invited to any parties, any gatherings or just anything at all... I talk to just that handful of same people everyday. I struggle to make friends or keep friends. I think throughout the past 3 years in my Polytechnic, I've sorta been the cause of at least 1 argument through all of my classes in the past 3 years.

And it's been terrible. While I enjoyed what I did in school for the past 3 years, I didn't particularly enjoy the process of it...

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But that's okay... Because after all these years, I think I have started to realize how I can thrive being alone. I've also realized that when I actually make the effort to keep friendships, I can preserve them really well. I've also learned how to put on appearances and talk more. I am also trying to be less hostile to new people and become more friendly.

It's almost like learning how to be human again. Except this time, probably with less defenses.

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This has been another incoherent 3am post. I seek your understanding and hope you understand what I've been trying to put across. There's no moral of story and there's nothing much you can learn from all these...

But I am pretty glad I got all these off me.

Goodbye & I will see you again!

About May

So the blogpost about Hanoi never did happen. I still love Hanoi and I still love whatever I've done there, but I think I won't do a blogpost about that for now.

Let's, instead, talk about my eventful month.

It's been a crazy month, it has. I joined a competition, I lost the competition. Launched a new collection for my online shop, not doing well. Lots of conflicts, arguments, unhappiness, sadness, disappointments and adjustments. Let's just say May has been an extremely painful month for me. But I'm nowhere near giving up.

I am now working to readjust my lifestyle by looking at potential funding opportunities, working doubly hard for my online shop, trying to ignore as much negativity as possible and I really just want to make my Birthday Month a happier month.

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I've been tired. It's been tiring trying to act like someone who's permanently energetic and happy like 99% of the time. The rest of the time I either blow up at something or someone, or I simply sit on my bed and cry. It's been so tiring.

People asked me if I was okay after losing the competition. I guess you could say I was okay. I wasn't upset, I wasn't crying, I wasn't extremely sad. But yes, I was disappointed. I mean the competition was kind of our only hope to funding the business. It was painful to lose that only string of hope you held on to for the last 3-4 months. But I do hope that the businesses who won the funds really make good use of it in the near future. The last thing I hope to do is to lose this to people who didn't want it as much as we did. But that's life.

You've got to deal with things you dislike.

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You know. I am just an average girl. I like surprises, I like gifts, I like fashion, I like the Internet, I like the sound of typing on my keyboard, I like my iphone, I love my friends, I love my boyfriend, I love my family...

And sometimes it feels like the average girl has to take on a lot more than she can take. It happens a lot and it's pretty exhausting.

But the average girl always has to learn how to be strong, how to be resilient to hurt and disappointment... She has to love herself.

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And this post makes no sense at all. It is perfectly disjoint and incoherent. But it's just the way an average girl likes it.

So let's just leave it as that and I'll see you guys soon again.

♥

Hanoi

Been a long break. I've been working on a vlog about hanoi and I think finally I will be able to share the video with the rest of you now!

So here it is!

And I will be uploading a picture + words post about Hanoi tomorrow!

So look out for that.

Loveee ♥