This

"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack."

- When You’re Lonely, You’re Not Alone, Nico Lang, Thought Catalog

Oh. So this feeling all those years... Loneliness?

MITROE

It's been awhile, as usual. I've been working a lot harder lately. Maybe I've really sold myself to money. Maybe, in Singapore, after you hit your 20s, you automatically are upgraded to being a money slave. I feel like a slave to money. I guess you'd feel like that if you are a few thousands behind debts. I'm not sad anymore. Nor am I scared or angry. Maybe just a little tired. I just want to get my family out of this mess as soon as possible.

People see this business as something that will buy me materialism. They see this business as me being greedy and trying to take the easy way out instead of going to work.

I am not.

All I am trying to do is to fight for a better future for my family. Because they had a bright future once... But betrayal dimmed it. So all I'm trying to do is to light up the future route for them again.

It doesn't matter whether people hate me for what I'm doing. It doesn't matter if they think we are just money-grabbing teenagers. It doesn't matter if they don't understand.

Nothing matters anymore. Because all that matters... All that is left for to matter is

Money.

Burnt.

You know life has exhausted you when you have to drag yourself out of bed each morning.

When you head to your bed at 10pm and only fall asleep at 3am. Only to be jolted awake again at 4am and 5am and 6am and 7am until it's time for you to wake up. When you walk around like a walking zombie without a soul. When you space out with nothing in your mind at all. When you sit down doing nothing and start tearing out of nowhere. When you used to love social media to death and then nowadays you just wish social media would disappear from your life.

You know life has exhausted you.

Last night, I went to bed at 1.30am. At 2.30am, I opened my eyes and was confused as to whether or not I fell asleep. I wasn't sure if I spaced out thinking about work or if I was just asleep and jolted awake by stress. I coaxed myself back to sleep only to wake up again at 5am wondering what went wrong again. When I eventually had to drag myself out of bed at 7am, I hated my body for doing this wake up over and over thing to me.

This morning, I had a photography job to do. I felt like a clockwork-ed zombie. Like someone ran me on clockwork and I just had to do it.

I didn't feel life in me when I did it.

I sit around all day long with nothing particular in my mind. But random pangs of sadness keeps stabbing me. They keep coming at me for no apparent reason.

And this is how I know that life has burnt me out. It has burnt the flame in my heart out.

I still love the studio, I still love my job.

But when all you've worked on for one year is this, you get tired. And I am now exhausted.

I need a break. 

Self Loathing

It's 4.43am and I cannot seem to get to sleep. This post is going to get me quite a bit of hatred I suppose. But I think it is something I definitely have to get out of my system.

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I, sometimes, think to myself that Depression, Anorexia, Bulimia and any other self-loathing is honestly speaking, the most selfish form of mental illness one can ever inflict upon his/herself. It is selfish because while you are self-loathing, you really don't see what's going around you.

You don't see the hurt mother who tries to feed you food only to hear you puking it down the toilet a few minutes later. 

You don't see the injured boyfriend who desperately tries to tell you you are pretty only to have you lash at him saying he's lying. 

You don't see the desperate friends around you trying to reassure you time and again that you look okay the way you are only to have you crying and saying no. 

You don't see that with your self hatred, you start hurting the people around you too. When you hate yourself, you become so absorbed into your own being that you start becoming selfish. You start becoming this aloof person who tries to hurt everyone and yourself because you think you hurt so much inside. 

You think no one understands you and the only people who vaguely understands you are the ones going through the same thing as you are. Very wrong. It is those people who makes you go deeper and deeper into your sorrows. It is those very people who makes you loathe yourself a lot more than you actually do.

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I know that when I say this, I am going to have people telling me that I don't understand and that mental illnesses are scary and can potentially kill. Well, guess what. I fucking do. I understand every bit of pain that these people have went through because I went through that same phase myself.

I've injured myself deliberately, I've pinched myself time and time again, I've cried myself to sleep countless times just because, I've stuffed myself silly with food only to find myself bowing over a toilet minutes later, I've starved myself to the point that I ruined my Gastric, I've pointed out a million and trillion flaws that I seem to have today that I never saw yesterday...

I also almost threw myself down 10 levels. 

For many years, I hated myself to the core. I still don't love myself a lot but other than the occasional pinching, I believe I am a lot better now. I've never been declared clinically depressed but I believe that over the years, that might have been what I should have been diagnosed with if I ever brought myself to a shrink.

And now, I'm ready to stand strong again.

I never want to call myself fat again. If I feel fat, I'll go to a gym to work it off the proper way.
I never want to starve myself again.

I never want to cry for no rhyme and reason again. If I cry, it has to be for a good reason.

I never want to hurt myself again. I'll force myself to do some work if I ever feel that urge again.

I never want to hurt the people around me ever again because honestly speaking, they really don't deserve the hurt I've dealt towards them. All they did was to love me. All they did was to protect me against myself. And all they did was try and force me to see what they are seeing so that I'll stop doing it to myself.

When you are hurt, you indulge in your own pain. You don't see anything else around you. You're blinded by pain and anger. You feel like the whole world is unfair to you. 

It really isn't. The Earth works in a fair manner. What comes around, goes around. You just have to work for it. You just have to find it. 

Find yourself. 

Love.

Been a long while since I last blogged.

I was just watching the movie "You are the apple of my eye". It brought me tears, it brought me a lot of laughter, and most of all, it brought back a ton of memories.

In my high school years, I was an extremely normal girl. I was nerdy looking. My hair was always in a tight ponytail that was extremely messy... My clothes were always messy and sloppy looking. My shoelaces were permanently undone. My spectacles permanently on.

And normal is probably a compliment. I looked horrid.

I wasn't special. My grades were average at most. I had no special talents. I was average looking. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't skinny. I wasn't popular.

I was imperfect in every way known to me.

But I found you.

You gave me comfort when I needed someone to. You sent me off into my dad's car every freaking day. You waited for me after class. You were insanely annoying but yet irritatingly endearing.

And I remember all the times I'd sit down by the big window in the library looking for you in the crowd of uniformed boys. I remember all the time I'd stand by the ledge outside the library just waiting for you to finish up your training.

I remember our first date. I remember you freezing so much, your teeth were chattering throughout the whole movie.

I remember quick lunches at 7-11. I remember all the instant pizzas and sandwiches we shared while having to run back to school in the fastest possible time.

I remember that time when you were the parade commander and your voice broke.

I remember how annoying you used to be.

I remember how it was impossible to sit you down to make you learn literature.

I remember all the petty fights we had.

I remember the day you walked all the way to Tampines Mall just to try and find me because you thought I walked home.

I remember all the times you broke my heart and then mended it back together again.

I remember all the heartaches we had.

I remember how you had so many female friends that I was always insanely jealous of.

And I remember, and I remember.

But I am glad I found you. Because you brought so much tears, joy and laughter into my life. The amount of love I feel for you is probably not something that I can even understand at this point in my life. The amount of adoration is insane. The amount of fear I constantly feel for all your dangerous ways is also insane.

And I love you, and I love you.

The Secret.

I've been an avid fan of blog-hopping since I was 14. Somehow, reading about everyone else's life appeals to me in a very interesting manner. So I was extremely intrigued when I first read about how all the famous bloggers are following this book called "The Secret". 

I'll have to say that although the idea of following the book was intriguing, I did not believe in it. I still don't believe in the book. 

What I believe in, however, is that positivity begets positivity. And negativity, of course, brings around more negativity. 

The concept in The Secret is simple. It is to be thankful for what life brings to you and to be happy in order for more happy things to happen to you. 

And I believe in that. 

The reason why I don't believe in The Secret is because The Secret is commercialism and that this concept is not something you need to buy. It is something inbuilt in you that you should try and discover on your own. 

I remember when I was younger, I used to write down in my diary what I would really like to happen. For Crush XXX to talk to me. For myself to get great results. For my mum to get me a new toy. 

I'd write down what I wanted to happen 10 - 50 times, depending on how much I wanted it to happen, on my diary. And most of the time, if I wanted something to happen badly enough, it happens. 

So what I'm saying here is simple. If you want something, you work towards it. There is no Secret to it. You want something bad enough, you end up subconsciously working for it. And this, my dears, is why The Secret seems to work. It's because you believe in something so much that it happens. 

And I believe in hope. Like I've said before and again, hope is something so important and so close to my heart. I believe that in hope, you find life. I believe that if you hope, you achieve. 

If you want something badly enough and if you hope for that something badly enough... No matter how ridiculous that something is, you will get it. 

Hope

I think there was a time in my life where I lost hope. And let me just say that losing hope is probably the most miserable experience you'll ever be made to go through.

You walk around feeling like a living zombie.
You live because there are people who need you.
You have no purpose in life.
You feel shitty on a daily basis.
And there is no more direction, no more drive, no more passion.

Hope. Is a very important state of emotion. It is a very important thought. We all think that what's indispensable to our lives are water, air and food. But it is not true. It is hope that keeps us walking. If you get trapped in a desert for a day without food and water, you can survive if you remain hopeful that you'll be saved. The same person who feels that there is no hope for the situation will die as soon as his body breaks down.

The human mind is a powerful tool. It controls your body and your state of health.

My dad is losing hope. And looking at him lose hope is probably the hardest thing in my life. 


But I shall continue hoping that one day I'll be the one who injects hope back into his life all over again.