It's 4.43am and I cannot seem to get to sleep. This post is going to get me quite a bit of hatred I suppose. But I think it is something I definitely have to get out of my system.
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I, sometimes, think to myself that Depression, Anorexia, Bulimia and any other self-loathing is honestly speaking, the most selfish form of mental illness one can ever inflict upon his/herself. It is selfish because while you are self-loathing, you really don't see what's going around you.
You don't see the hurt mother who tries to feed you food only to hear you puking it down the toilet a few minutes later.
You don't see the injured boyfriend who desperately tries to tell you you are pretty only to have you lash at him saying he's lying.
You don't see the desperate friends around you trying to reassure you time and again that you look okay the way you are only to have you crying and saying no.
You don't see that with your self hatred, you start hurting the people around you too. When you hate yourself, you become so absorbed into your own being that you start becoming selfish. You start becoming this aloof person who tries to hurt everyone and yourself because you think you hurt so much inside.
You think no one understands you and the only people who vaguely understands you are the ones going through the same thing as you are. Very wrong. It is those people who makes you go deeper and deeper into your sorrows. It is those very people who makes you loathe yourself a lot more than you actually do.
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I know that when I say this, I am going to have people telling me that I don't understand and that mental illnesses are scary and can potentially kill. Well, guess what. I fucking do. I understand every bit of pain that these people have went through because I went through that same phase myself.
I've injured myself deliberately, I've pinched myself time and time again, I've cried myself to sleep countless times just because, I've stuffed myself silly with food only to find myself bowing over a toilet minutes later, I've starved myself to the point that I ruined my Gastric, I've pointed out a million and trillion flaws that I seem to have today that I never saw yesterday...
I also almost threw myself down 10 levels.
For many years, I hated myself to the core. I still don't love myself a lot but other than the occasional pinching, I believe I am a lot better now. I've never been declared clinically depressed but I believe that over the years, that might have been what I should have been diagnosed with if I ever brought myself to a shrink.
And now, I'm ready to stand strong again.
I never want to call myself fat again. If I feel fat, I'll go to a gym to work it off the proper way.
I never want to starve myself again.
I never want to cry for no rhyme and reason again. If I cry, it has to be for a good reason.
I never want to hurt myself again. I'll force myself to do some work if I ever feel that urge again.
I never want to hurt the people around me ever again because honestly speaking, they really don't deserve the hurt I've dealt towards them. All they did was to love me. All they did was to protect me against myself. And all they did was try and force me to see what they are seeing so that I'll stop doing it to myself.
When you are hurt, you indulge in your own pain. You don't see anything else around you. You're blinded by pain and anger. You feel like the whole world is unfair to you.
It really isn't. The Earth works in a fair manner. What comes around, goes around. You just have to work for it. You just have to find it.
Find yourself.
