Sunday, June 28, 2015

Today, I am tired.

I frequently wonder how life would have turned out if I didn't start La Novella. Would I be happier? Would I be earning more? Would I have a 5 digits saving? Would I be married earlier? Would we be less stressed up?

What would life be like?

At this point in my life, life is exhausting.

I feel suffocated by money, the lack thereof.
I feel suffocated by my business and the problems that comes with it. The staff issues, the rental, the management, the workload.
I feel suffocated by life.

I've lost a lot of friends over the years. Not by choice...
Somedays, I forget to reply my friends because I didn't have a breather throughout the day. Other days, I am simply too tired to even reply.

Then, there are days when I feel so icky about my current life situation that I don't even want to reply.

I love my friends, and I miss all of them. But when it comes to connecting with them, I honestly have lost my touch.

I would love to meet them, but then what would I say?

That my 4 years venture is still nothing?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I am so exhausted. So emotionally drained.

You are like a sponge that soaks all of my energy away.

I think as an only child, you became independent too fast, You have this disdain that you apply to everyone whenever they can't do anything that you think they should be able to do or that they should do.

Unfortunately, for me, you apply that to me so much that I find that most of the time... I find myself worthless and pathetic. I question myself and second guess myself so much it's painful.

Today, I shed too many tears. But most of these tears are because I've came to this realization that if you continue being the way you are, I am going to have to leave.

It's so destructive because I spend too much energy hating myself and in turn hating you and then, it all turns to a massive tragedy of vicious cycle.

I know you are great at doing things and that you have the innate ability to pick up things almost immediately. And I'm sorry I'm not as great as you are.

And maybe you don't even mean to show disdain. Maybe you don't mean to show that I am stupid and beneath you.

But your tone, your face, the look on your face.

It drains me so much.

I am tired.

Really, really tired.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Day 5

Dear you, 

I miss you. I miss you so much.

We have been so busy lately. So busy that I sometimes neglect that you are my boyfriend and you sometimes neglect that I am your girlfriend with feelings.

But business has been great, and so I guess that's to be happy about.

I don't have much to say today because all we have been doing is working and rushing around working. But I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed the brief 10 minutes we had alone in the small studio in the dark today. I really miss these quiet times and I really miss you.

I hope when things settle down and when we are not in so much of a financial crunch anymore, we have more time together.


Sunday, March 9, 2014

Day 3

Hi baby,

Happy 8.5 years to you! It's been a long and exhausting day at work and it will be another long day tomorrow... Guess we won't be celebrating the day but it's okay! I hope we will still find joy in something we do together tomorrow.

I've been feeling very frustrated and easily angered the last 2 days. I'm not too sure why but I realize I take it out on you a lot. I am sorry.

You know, sometimes, a little voice in me suggests that I hope to lead a normal life with you whereby we walk hand in hand together all the time, meet twice or thrice a week for date nights and earn a stable income so that we get to spend more time with each other and not feel so guilty about spending money.

But it is a very quiet voice. A larger part of me still knows that I am doing what I love and even though I'm not making much out of it, at least I am still following the path I wanted to and at least I am still passionate about my life. I think that is important.

Money is such a sensitive topic these days. I hate any topic about having not enough money. I hate it because I try my best to work to my bones but it is still hard to bring enough money each month. I hate it because this stupid money issue brings me back a lot of horrid memories and truthfully each time, we talk about a lack of money, the traumatic experience from my childhood hits me with such ridiculous force..

And it tires me so much. I really really want to get out of this vicious cycle of not having enough money.


Friday, March 7, 2014

Day 1

Dear GJ,

I've decided to change this space into a dedication sorta thing to you. I think it would be a good idea for me to try and write a letter to you everyday through this platform. At least someday we can sit back and reminisce our life together through these letters...

Today marks our second year going to Savour together. Although the event was of a much smaller scale than the previous year, I still enjoyed myself immensely. I think it was because you were there with me. Food always tastes better when you are with your loved ones. In 2 days time, it will mark our 8.5 years together.

The last 8 and a half years have been something like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes we go through crazy dips and other times, we go through some insane rounds and then, there are times we go on an impossible high. Although there were moments that I felt like I needed to give up, I am glad I didn't. I am happy that I managed to listen to myself and know that only with you around, would I be happy.

Today's letter is about how important you are to me in my life because that's what you are, you are important to me. As you know, I am extremely family oriented. Sometimes, ridiculously so. Thank you for always letting in to me. When we first got together, I thought we wouldn't have lasted. I didn't believe that someone that I've only known for a mere 2 months could bring me happiness for the rest of my life. I'm glad we took that leap of faith though. Life wouldn't have been the same for me without you.

The past 3 years in particular has been a whirlwind of activities. Thank you for La Novella. Thank you for building our future with me. I don't see this as just a business. I see La Novella as our baby. I see this as our future. We built it together and I think the business wouldn't be what it is today without either of us. So I am glad we did this together. I am happy that everything is starting to take shape and that we are finally going somewhere with La Novella. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for letting me believe in you.

I just want to thank you for everything once again.

And I love you. I really really truly do.

Always loving you,

Friday, February 7, 2014

8 years ago...

We were in secondary school, only 15 years old. On different occasions, we went to the beach together. Sometimes, we stayed back in the beach together after school events. We only had the two of us. I only had you and you only had me. The only things that accompanied us were the sand, the sea and the skies. But we had so much, so much fun together. We spent all the time together frolicking under the skies, in the sea amongst the sand. And it was so much fun. We had no money then. No commitments. No rental to pay, no bookings to fulfill. 

And we were so happy. 

Now we have a functioning business, we have sufficient money to spend... But we have no time for the beach anymore. We have no time to enjoy the sun, the skies, the sea and the sand anymore. We also have no time for fun anymore. 

When we are at the beach, we don't spend time frolicking in the water anymore. Instead, we peacefully stare at the sea. 

I have so much to say but so little words that can explain these feelings. 

But I think 8 years ago, we were happier.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Mandatory Year End Post

Hello world, 

It's been yet another long while but here's my mandatory end of the year post!

2013 has been a year full of ups and downs. I honestly don't remember much of it because I spent so much of my time working and life has became such a blur to me. 

I cannot believe the year is finally coming to an end and that I will be turning 23 in 5 months time. 

2013 saw La Novella's business blooming into one that's starting to take more shape, one my worst physical fall so far, the boyfriend finally finishing army and just a whole slew of things that really feels quite like a blur to me.
I hope come 2014, business will start becoming brisker and that our financial situation can finally stabilise.

My 2014 resolutions include: 

1) Repaying all of my debts to the boyfriend's family, my family and my uncle. 
2) La Novella expansion
3) Travel to a different country every month or at least every 3 months
4) Love more, trust more, worry less. 
5) Be happier