Sobfest

This Thursday feels like a sobfest in the studio for me. I started off with doing work that I don't have to start on yet... And then, I started watching a proposal video. That sparked off my tear glands. They are not very happy today. After which, I started reading blogs of widows... And that didn't sit too well either. My tear glands are still working pretty hard today.

I wonder how my customers will react if they see me weeping silently outside the studio when they exit the studio.

There are so many thoughts going through my mind right now. My emotions are in an absolute turmoil.

It is scary to be in a relationship. You end up baring your soul to someone so foreign yet so close to you at the same time. It's been 6 years now. But does it make me feel any better to bare my soul to someone else? Not always. I feel exposed and vulnerable and easily hurt most of the time. But he's so impossible to leave. He's so impossible to reject. He's so impossible to not love.

It is also extremely scary to be in a business with the same guy you're in a relationship with. There are so many what if's. There's so much tension most of the time. There's so much fear. And you bare yourself a lot more than you're supposed to just because you're in a business with him. There's so much insecurities, so much fear, so much that can go wrong.

I hope nothing goes wrong.

The story.

If I was myself one year ago, I'd never have thought that I would open a studio one year later.

One year ago, I started up Thursday Tales (which is now closed) with the intention of setting up an online boutique that was fairytale themed. But it turned out to be a fairytale as well. It's simply too difficult to enter the online boutique market without some fame/ extra capital or just a selling point that was unique enough. I eventually got discouraged and closed Thursday Tales down permanently. Actually there's a part of me who would love to bring the shop back. I loved it because I fully conceptualized the idea and created it with the help of my lovely friends. I still love Thursday Tales and it'll forever be part of my memories and history.

But now La Novella Studio has came along and I love it with every bit of my life as well. Despite the need for National Service and the many difficulties that we perceived would come our way, the boyfriend and I still went ahead and followed our hearts instead. We created La Novella Studio with the help of our parents and although he's in army now, he spends much of his free time here in the studio with me.

It's not easy, really. This studio is probably one of the hardest projects I've embarked into in my entire life. There's much of photography that I've yet to learn. There's so much of the studio that still baffles me even up till today. But it's challenging I guess. It's challenging to learn. It's so different from what I've done in my entire life that it challenges me to want to learn that much more.

I wouldn't say I've done a good job though. I've made so much mistakes in the scheduling of bookings that it's not funny. But realize that I'm still a newbie at this and sometimes, I just really need time to learn. I am not a machine/a robot. I'm a human being and human beings make mistakes - much like anyone else. The fact that I work in this studio doesn't make me any less of a human being so start treating me like one please.

I've been working the most irregular hours here in the studio and sometimes, it's just really exhausting to say the least. So when I make mistakes, please understand that it's not my intention to screw up your schedule. It's just that sometimes, you're just too exhausted to focus but yet you still have to because you have a mailbox that is filled to the brim.

So yes, it is definitely not easy and I'm definitely still learning, but I'll be better. I promise.

La Novella Studio will be a lot better one day and I'll be sure to make that happen.

Chase

Sitting in the office has this ability to make me think too much. There are a lot of thoughts swimming through my mind today. Good ones. Bad ones. What if I don't turn out the way I want to in 2 years time? What if I fail? What if I become a failure in life? What if things turn out the way I wanted it to? What if things turn out well? What if La Novella becomes a success? What will I do then?

Whether or not the business turns out well, I always have this same dilemma. What will I do later on in life then? I don't want to keep running around chasing after money. I don't want to lead a life where I am enslaved to my job. I want to lead a carefree life. I want to tour the world. I want to travel and learn all the wonders of Earth. I want to do things that makes me happy. I don't want to be tied down to the same spot just because. 

But I realize this is a very naive thinking. How can anyone drop whatever they have on hand to just travel the world? How can anyone just drop everything just to be happy? How does anyone know that they have earned enough money to stop being enslaved to it? What is having enough money? 

It is sad isn't it? Because life is just like a vicious cycle. There are endless things that you want to achieve. There are endless things that you want to chase after. There is this endless materialism that you'd like to fulfill. And let me just say that even those people who tells the whole world "they don't believe in money", "they only like nature" etc chases after things as well. We are all enslaved to a goal in life. We are all enslaved to something that we will spend our entire life chasing after. 

Some people chase after money. Some chase after fame. Some chase after peace. Some just after eternal wealth. Some recognition. 

What do you chase after? 

And no. Please don't ask me to stop being sad/emo just because I wrote this post. I don't have these emotions in me right now. All I have is a brain that works too quickly. A brain that is registering too much  thoughts.

♥

I'm here with my obligatory once a month post again! This time around, it's about La Novella Studio's one month anniversary! We have finally pulled through our first month. Still not making any profits but I think I am pretty happy that at least the brand is growing. I have a few plans up my sleeves for the coming month to hopefully help the studio grow to the magnitude that we would like it to be so I am looking forward to that...

Let's review some of the memories that I've had in La Novella Studio during the past month or so.

My best memory of the month has to go to The Pixiefication Party hosted by Rachell (Pxdkitty)! It was super fun and allowed us to know a lot more wonderful people! (:

I also have all the awesome friends and of course my awesome boyfriend to thank for being there for me so that I was never truly alone and lonely. 

 Erm. Other memories of the studio include my crazy camwhoring while waiting for people to finish their shoot so let's skip all these.

And that's all I have for you for this post! Shall post about my trip to Ho Chi Minh City next

♥

La Novella Studio

I am really starting to only post once a month :/ The famous excuse: I've been busy. No really, I have. I have been busy with the whole set up and renovation of the studio. Also busy trying to get the name of the studio out and just really aggressively advertising the studio.

I know I promised that this post will contain photos of the studio. So, I've decided to do an entire post on the transformation of La Novella Studio - from the very beginning when we rented this place till now when we have finished the entire renovation and set up of the studio.

Without further ado, I present to you La Novella Studio, 2 months ago:

This was the studio right before we had it painted. Look at how dusty the floor was and how ugly the whole place looked. :/

Another photo of it right before painting.

Work in progress!

This was right after we had it painted. Looked a lot cleaner and neater.

The boyfriend (who still had a lot of hair) measuring the size of the wall.

Then we decided that it was time to do some furniture shopping!

Here are some of the furniture we liked but didn't get to buy ):

The $40 table that we bought to assemble for the office!

And this was one of the tables right after its assembly.

This was me trying out zillions of typography to finalize our logo.

And with everything about done... I present to you La Novella Studio (2 months later): 

The office - with our final assembled $40 tables

The sofa and coffee table that we decided on purchasing in the end!

The studio area with all the equipments and the white backdrop

Our steam iron & Clothes rack

The hair straightener that we bought for usage in the studio

And finally,

The logo we picked in the end.

And there you have it! This was the entire transformation progress of our studio. Of course, I didn't add in a lot of details because I didn't take pictures every step of the way. This was probably the most exhausting journey I've put myself through in the entire 20 years of my life, both emotionally and physically. But it was also probably the most fulfilling journey I'd ever embark in my life and I'll never ever trade this experience for anything in the world.

♥♥♥♥♥

Another long break

So, I took another extremely long break away from blogging. Been working on my office, on learning the art of self-reliance and just generally trying to get myself back on my feet. It has been an extremely emotionally challenging month.
-

That aside, the office is finally coming to shape and I've been in talks with people. I don't think the studio is going to lack business but I hope this isn't just my over-confidence talking here. I honestly, sincerely hope that things are going to work out fine because I've put in nothing short of my best for the past few weeks.

-

My heart has been extremely heavy lately. I like what I am doing but I don't like the way my closest people are leaving me.

It's 5.18am and my thoughts are incoherent as ever.

I haven't cried for awhile but tonight I wish something would trigger off an emotional meltdown. I'd like that. I think it'd be good for my heart. I think it'd be nice to let go for once.

-

I miss you, you and you. I miss my 18th and 19th birthday. I miss having all of you around me. I miss feeling like I don't have a thing to worry about at all. I miss having you around me. I miss the past 7 years.

-

This post seems to be a compilation of all the snippets of thoughts going through my mind this dreary Monday morning. The boyfriend just woke up. Guess this is my cue for goodnight then.

I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Next post up ~ pictures of the completed office/studio!

Top 10 Favorite Things in My Life:

1. Being embraced into a hug. I love hugs. They are like the precious invisible fingers that wraps around your heart to give it the warmth it so desperately needs.

2.  Having your tongue slip into my mouth in a passionate kiss. The feeling is so overwhelming I cannot begin to really describe it. It's like an act of possession and recognition altogether. I like it.

3. Waking up to your favorite person beside you, still sleeping. Just looking at his sleepy face makes every single bit of pain that you've carried onto yourself worth it.

4. Completing a piece of work to your very own satisfaction. I cannot begin to tell you how much euphoria I feel whenever I complete my work on time and "perfectly" the way I like it.

5. Satisfying my cravings. Hot dogs, Steak, Chocolates, Strawberries, Cheese, Ice Cream... How can you ever deny your cravings?! One of the best things in life, as I call it, is eating the food you love. How can there be happiness when you are denying your body of such pleasurable sins?

6. Working on my business. It's the most pleasurable thing to be working on something so intimate to your heart. It's like your very own baby and I honestly hope that everything will all pay off in good time.

7. Meeting up with my secondary school classmates. The mere fact that we have not drifted apart despite having graduated for 4 years makes me extremely contented and happy. I love all my Dunmanites and I hope circumstances won't change my friendship with anyone.

8. Holding Hands. It's a most blissful feeling to have his fingers wrapped around yours and only yours. I like to feel like I am protected and wanted.

9. Meeting my best friends. I don't see my best friends on a daily or weekly basis. Sometimes we go as much as a few months without meeting. That does not mean that we are anything short of best friends though. We are still best friends leading our own lives and coming to each other to seek the best friend sort of comfort and love.

10. Hanging out with my family. I don't spend enough time with them. But they are the people I love the most in life. So hanging out with them brings me the sorta joy nothing else can ever beat.

♥

2 halves of a whole

Today, I'd like to talk about my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is just about the best (and most amazing) gift life has ever granted to me. When I was down, he was there. When I wanted something for myself, he'd help me with it. When I blogged about him in the past, he'd shyly tell me that it made him blush. And when he told me that, it made me blush too.

We've been together for almost 6 years now. That is about 30% of my life. I've known him and been together with him for about 30% of our lives. It's not a lot, but no one is to say that it's little too.

What I can say about us is that we are 2 vastly different people put together and moulded together to form what people call love. But I think sometimes that I don't only just love him, I admire and adore him. To me, he's sometimes what I'd call perfection. But he also drives me nuts... He's the one person whom I've trusted everything to and has the ability to destroy me with his words. He's the one person I've decided to give up my vulnerability to.

I count on him... Yet sometimes I feel like I love him so much I've to push him away. In fact, I know for fact that I push him away more than I've ever pushed anyone away. I've rejected him for countless times for no reason at all. And he doesn't know. He doesn't have to know.

I remember there was this time when we were 15 I think that he went to a camp only to come back with severe food poisoning. I didn't hear from him for a long time and when I finally did, I was worried sick about him. When he came back, I went to his house to see him. He passed me a toy that wailed "I love you" in a squeaky voice when you pressed its tummy. He was pale and more tired that I remember him looking. He told me later on that his food poisoning made him feel absolutely shitty and he thought he was going to die... But he wouldn't die because he knew I depended my life on his and that he had to come back to see me... To take care of me.

And for as long as I remember...

No matter what emotional hurt he inflicts upon me sometimes, he's always been there to protect my heart at the very least...

I cannot remember what pushed me to write this entry in the first place. I don't know why I decided it'll be a good idea to blog about the closest topic to my heart. But I think this will be my favorite blog entry for a long long while. Just like how he's one of my favorite person in the world and my favorite topic to ever talk about.

Chase your dreams.

Been awhile again.

I made a major decision to take that leap of faith the other day. I've decided to fully focus my efforts on the business and take a gap year first before I jump onto the university wagon. Although I fully understand the risks of failing my business and losing an entire year of my youth, I feel like I have to do this. I don't want to grow to regret any of my decisions in the future... And losing a year of my youth is far less painful than losing the opportunity to carry out my dreams.

I want to make Thursday Tales successful. I will make Thursday Tales, myself and my entire team successful within the next 5 years. I will. Trust me, watch me. It will happen.

My heart feels like it's been through a lot of emotional turmoil. It feels tired and exhausted and in pain. I still have a lot of personal issues to deal with...

It is extremely, extremely exhausting.

But I think one of the best things I've learned from this entire ordeal is to really, really follow your heart and trust it. Your brains might tell you the best thing you should do but your heart tells you the things that will make you happy. And my personal philosophy in life is that if you're not happy and that you're regretting every single decision you're making, then you've not lived before.

♥

Vilvian: The Loner

I was talking about choosing schools with the boyfriend today and after the conversation, I think I pretty much realized how much of a loner I actually am...

-

I recall back to the times when I was in upper primary. I think I was pretty unpopular with my classmates then. I guess I was pretty uncool... I didn't hang out with the "cool" people, I didn't have an "amoeba" (as they call it) assigned to me then, I didn't play soccer at the void deck after school with them... And I think I only had friends because I was slightly more affluent at that time. I mean even my teacher kinda hated me (but that's a story for another day).

So... Back then I don't think I had many friends at all. I mean I guess I had fun and all. But it's a different kind of fun. The type of fun they have when they are together is totally different from what they had with me. With me, it was always a lot more regulated and toned down I guess...

And I suppose that was my first step to kinda becoming a loner.

-

Later on in my life, my father got betrayed by his best friend - who was also quite a fatherly figure in my life then. In almost an instant, the people whom I thought truly loved me and my family left us. I had to go through the most painful 2 years of my life - nursing the wounds of betrayal and abandonment while having to put up with A LOT of changes. That betrayal caused us a few million dollars, my father's company as well as most of my parents' bank account. So I think we can all imagine the extent of that betrayal.

It stung. A lot. Even till today, almost 6-7 years later, I still feel hurt when I think of everyone who's left my family then.

-

So I guess right there and then, I became a lot more wary of the people around me. I started over thinking things to a fault. I started choosing my friends. I started to talk lesser and learned how to observe more. I started to become the odd one out.

But I don't think I've ever been terribly unpopular as well. I mean as much as I was a loner, I also made quick friends and some really good/closer friends as well. I still mingled around... But you know, it's just kind of different.

I don't maintain friendships well, that's for sure. I hardly take the initiative to ask a friend out. I don't think I have much of an initiative at all.

-

And now that I've gotten to another stage of my life, I see my lack of friendships even more apparently now... I hardly get invited to any parties, any gatherings or just anything at all... I talk to just that handful of same people everyday. I struggle to make friends or keep friends. I think throughout the past 3 years in my Polytechnic, I've sorta been the cause of at least 1 argument through all of my classes in the past 3 years.

And it's been terrible. While I enjoyed what I did in school for the past 3 years, I didn't particularly enjoy the process of it...

-

But that's okay... Because after all these years, I think I have started to realize how I can thrive being alone. I've also realized that when I actually make the effort to keep friendships, I can preserve them really well. I've also learned how to put on appearances and talk more. I am also trying to be less hostile to new people and become more friendly.

It's almost like learning how to be human again. Except this time, probably with less defenses.

-

This has been another incoherent 3am post. I seek your understanding and hope you understand what I've been trying to put across. There's no moral of story and there's nothing much you can learn from all these...

But I am pretty glad I got all these off me.

Goodbye & I will see you again!

About May

So the blogpost about Hanoi never did happen. I still love Hanoi and I still love whatever I've done there, but I think I won't do a blogpost about that for now.

Let's, instead, talk about my eventful month.

It's been a crazy month, it has. I joined a competition, I lost the competition. Launched a new collection for my online shop, not doing well. Lots of conflicts, arguments, unhappiness, sadness, disappointments and adjustments. Let's just say May has been an extremely painful month for me. But I'm nowhere near giving up.

I am now working to readjust my lifestyle by looking at potential funding opportunities, working doubly hard for my online shop, trying to ignore as much negativity as possible and I really just want to make my Birthday Month a happier month.

-

I've been tired. It's been tiring trying to act like someone who's permanently energetic and happy like 99% of the time. The rest of the time I either blow up at something or someone, or I simply sit on my bed and cry. It's been so tiring.

People asked me if I was okay after losing the competition. I guess you could say I was okay. I wasn't upset, I wasn't crying, I wasn't extremely sad. But yes, I was disappointed. I mean the competition was kind of our only hope to funding the business. It was painful to lose that only string of hope you held on to for the last 3-4 months. But I do hope that the businesses who won the funds really make good use of it in the near future. The last thing I hope to do is to lose this to people who didn't want it as much as we did. But that's life.

You've got to deal with things you dislike.

-

You know. I am just an average girl. I like surprises, I like gifts, I like fashion, I like the Internet, I like the sound of typing on my keyboard, I like my iphone, I love my friends, I love my boyfriend, I love my family...

And sometimes it feels like the average girl has to take on a lot more than she can take. It happens a lot and it's pretty exhausting.

But the average girl always has to learn how to be strong, how to be resilient to hurt and disappointment... She has to love herself.

-

And this post makes no sense at all. It is perfectly disjoint and incoherent. But it's just the way an average girl likes it.

So let's just leave it as that and I'll see you guys soon again.

♥

Hanoi

Been a long break. I've been working on a vlog about hanoi and I think finally I will be able to share the video with the rest of you now!

So here it is!

And I will be uploading a picture + words post about Hanoi tomorrow!

So look out for that.

Loveee ♥

The First Greetings!

I've started blogging ever since I was 13. In the past 7 years (wow, I am really old now!), I've noticed my massive change be it in terms of personality, biological adjustments or just my writing style.

Let's talk about my writing style!

At first, I was blogging like Thiszxz. I liked the excessive zxzx and the occasional alternating of cApItaL leTtErs. I must have thought it was incredibly cool then. Fact is: It is not cool at all.

And then I started blogging a little more normally. But my english was terrible and I had about a million lahz and hahaz in my blog posts. Not cool either.

Of recent years, I'd like to think that I've finally gotten my act together and am blogging in a more coherent manner right now.

...

That aside, as I've mentioned before... I've been through a lot of changes in the past 7 years. These changes were brought about by several circumstances and challenges. Let's just say that the past 7 years weren't the most smooth-sailing ones. I've been through lies, betrayals, breakups, makeups, happiness, sorrow, failure and more failure.

And the thing about me is I like to wallow in sadness and refuse to move on. I like to look back in the past and refuse to look forward to the future. I like to think about what could have been done and not what I should be doing next.

Now, this (I concur) is probably not the best solution for me. Now that I'm moving on to the next decade of my life (!!), I figure it should be time for a clean slate too. I am leaving behind all the memories that I've put into EmotionalAbsurdity & moving on to Roaming Legs.

As with all new blogs, I start with an introduction (HAHA, if you have been tricked to believe that the past 239729 chunks of words were my introduction, I am sorry!):

I am Vilvian. As you would have guessed by now, I am currently (approaching) 20 years old. I feel old but I also feel like it is time for some change in my life. Roaming Legs signifies my need to change and my need to move on with my current state of life. Roaming Legs also represents my love and desire for traveling. So if you would have guessed by now, this blog would mostly contain my traveling escapades as well as my invaluable (hahahaha) thoughts and ramblings.

As you can see, I am not the prettiest girl around. And I don't try to be one either. In the past 2 years, I've tried many many careers. I've tried modeling (not many people knew this!), sales, office administrative work, working in IT shows etc. But I've found myself to be out of place and left frustrated about 99% of the time... So my solution for this is Thursday Tales, which I founded in March this year and am currently managing with the help of a few friends.

-

I know this entry has been pretty wordy by now. So I shall stop here. The next post shall hopefully be a vlog on my escapade to Hanoi, Vietnam (A really beautiful place.)

Goodbye!