I wonder if there's any part of you that detects that I'm falling apart.

Sometimes I wonder if any of this is true. An I just looking at some weird paradox of my life? One moment everything is alright and the next everything seems like it's falling apart.

I'm so tired, so tired.

The fire that doesn't light up

I don't love you any lesser than I did a month ago. Maybe I love you more. Maybe this love has consumed me so much so that I don't know what love is anymore.

I remember just 2 years back, I wrote a post on how my heart was threatening to jump out of my body while waiting for you end work outside your work place. I remember how nervous I was to see you. How much I wanted for you to see my best. How much I craved to see you and to be in your arms again.

2 years later. We work together everyday. We are awesome partners at work. We complement each other's shortcomings. But is that same passion still there? Do I have to keep my heart in check anymore? Do I work hard to look my best in front of you everyday? Do I still crave to see you, to be in your arms for the same reason that I had 2 years ago?

I don't know when this happened. I don't think I know for sure.

But I feel like this relationship is starting to feel like a stale bread. Very dense, very heavy and not tasty anymore.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss us being happy together.

Nowadays it's just a ton of disagreements and a lot of boredom. We look at each other on different ends of the table with nothing much to say. All we can talk about is work.

I ask you daily "do you love me?", "do you miss me?"

It's became a routine. I ask not because I don't know what your answer is. I ask because I fear. I ask because I honestly don't know if I feel loved or missed or needed anymore.

Maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I'm just too closed up. Maybe I'm just too fearful of loneliness.

I don't know. I really don't.

Maybe I'm too greedy?

I just wish both of us would put just that bit more effort into each other. I just wish for that fire to come back again.

But maybe we've been burned to the wick. Maybe I can't light it up anymore.

This

"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack."

- When You’re Lonely, You’re Not Alone, Nico Lang, Thought Catalog

Oh. So this feeling all those years... Loneliness?

MITROE

It's been awhile, as usual. I've been working a lot harder lately. Maybe I've really sold myself to money. Maybe, in Singapore, after you hit your 20s, you automatically are upgraded to being a money slave. I feel like a slave to money. I guess you'd feel like that if you are a few thousands behind debts. I'm not sad anymore. Nor am I scared or angry. Maybe just a little tired. I just want to get my family out of this mess as soon as possible.

People see this business as something that will buy me materialism. They see this business as me being greedy and trying to take the easy way out instead of going to work.

I am not.

All I am trying to do is to fight for a better future for my family. Because they had a bright future once... But betrayal dimmed it. So all I'm trying to do is to light up the future route for them again.

It doesn't matter whether people hate me for what I'm doing. It doesn't matter if they think we are just money-grabbing teenagers. It doesn't matter if they don't understand.

Nothing matters anymore. Because all that matters... All that is left for to matter is

Money.