2013

2012 has went as quickly as it came. It's almost like a tornado really. I don't even know how time can pass this quickly without you realizing. 

2012 has been interesting. 

We maintained La Novella Studio and managed to expand. The studio is still extremely unstable but I will make it stabilize this 2013. 

The boyfriend survived a whole year and more or army and will be ORD-ing this June. 

We started working on a new brand. 

We became a lot more ambitious. 

...

And I think that is all to my life. 

Army, boyfriend, work, work, work, work, family, boyfriend, work, work, work.

Hopefully 2013 will be a year that is more fruitful. 

Hopefully 2013 will let me give my parents the type of life they deserve. To return to them the life they used to have will be impossible. But to give them something better than they have right now... I really want for that to happen. 

Je créerai mon propre destin

I wonder if there's any part of you that detects that I'm falling apart.

Sometimes I wonder if any of this is true. An I just looking at some weird paradox of my life? One moment everything is alright and the next everything seems like it's falling apart.

I'm so tired, so tired.

The fire that doesn't light up

I don't love you any lesser than I did a month ago. Maybe I love you more. Maybe this love has consumed me so much so that I don't know what love is anymore.

I remember just 2 years back, I wrote a post on how my heart was threatening to jump out of my body while waiting for you end work outside your work place. I remember how nervous I was to see you. How much I wanted for you to see my best. How much I craved to see you and to be in your arms again.

2 years later. We work together everyday. We are awesome partners at work. We complement each other's shortcomings. But is that same passion still there? Do I have to keep my heart in check anymore? Do I work hard to look my best in front of you everyday? Do I still crave to see you, to be in your arms for the same reason that I had 2 years ago?

I don't know when this happened. I don't think I know for sure.

But I feel like this relationship is starting to feel like a stale bread. Very dense, very heavy and not tasty anymore.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss us being happy together.

Nowadays it's just a ton of disagreements and a lot of boredom. We look at each other on different ends of the table with nothing much to say. All we can talk about is work.

I ask you daily "do you love me?", "do you miss me?"

It's became a routine. I ask not because I don't know what your answer is. I ask because I fear. I ask because I honestly don't know if I feel loved or missed or needed anymore.

Maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I'm just too closed up. Maybe I'm just too fearful of loneliness.

I don't know. I really don't.

Maybe I'm too greedy?

I just wish both of us would put just that bit more effort into each other. I just wish for that fire to come back again.

But maybe we've been burned to the wick. Maybe I can't light it up anymore.

This

"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack."

- When You’re Lonely, You’re Not Alone, Nico Lang, Thought Catalog

Oh. So this feeling all those years... Loneliness?

MITROE

It's been awhile, as usual. I've been working a lot harder lately. Maybe I've really sold myself to money. Maybe, in Singapore, after you hit your 20s, you automatically are upgraded to being a money slave. I feel like a slave to money. I guess you'd feel like that if you are a few thousands behind debts. I'm not sad anymore. Nor am I scared or angry. Maybe just a little tired. I just want to get my family out of this mess as soon as possible.

People see this business as something that will buy me materialism. They see this business as me being greedy and trying to take the easy way out instead of going to work.

I am not.

All I am trying to do is to fight for a better future for my family. Because they had a bright future once... But betrayal dimmed it. So all I'm trying to do is to light up the future route for them again.

It doesn't matter whether people hate me for what I'm doing. It doesn't matter if they think we are just money-grabbing teenagers. It doesn't matter if they don't understand.

Nothing matters anymore. Because all that matters... All that is left for to matter is

Money.

Burnt.

You know life has exhausted you when you have to drag yourself out of bed each morning.

When you head to your bed at 10pm and only fall asleep at 3am. Only to be jolted awake again at 4am and 5am and 6am and 7am until it's time for you to wake up. When you walk around like a walking zombie without a soul. When you space out with nothing in your mind at all. When you sit down doing nothing and start tearing out of nowhere. When you used to love social media to death and then nowadays you just wish social media would disappear from your life.

You know life has exhausted you.

Last night, I went to bed at 1.30am. At 2.30am, I opened my eyes and was confused as to whether or not I fell asleep. I wasn't sure if I spaced out thinking about work or if I was just asleep and jolted awake by stress. I coaxed myself back to sleep only to wake up again at 5am wondering what went wrong again. When I eventually had to drag myself out of bed at 7am, I hated my body for doing this wake up over and over thing to me.

This morning, I had a photography job to do. I felt like a clockwork-ed zombie. Like someone ran me on clockwork and I just had to do it.

I didn't feel life in me when I did it.

I sit around all day long with nothing particular in my mind. But random pangs of sadness keeps stabbing me. They keep coming at me for no apparent reason.

And this is how I know that life has burnt me out. It has burnt the flame in my heart out.

I still love the studio, I still love my job.

But when all you've worked on for one year is this, you get tired. And I am now exhausted.

I need a break.