Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Vilvian: The Loner

I was talking about choosing schools with the boyfriend today and after the conversation, I think I pretty much realized how much of a loner I actually am...

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I recall back to the times when I was in upper primary. I think I was pretty unpopular with my classmates then. I guess I was pretty uncool... I didn't hang out with the "cool" people, I didn't have an "amoeba" (as they call it) assigned to me then, I didn't play soccer at the void deck after school with them... And I think I only had friends because I was slightly more affluent at that time. I mean even my teacher kinda hated me (but that's a story for another day).

So... Back then I don't think I had many friends at all. I mean I guess I had fun and all. But it's a different kind of fun. The type of fun they have when they are together is totally different from what they had with me. With me, it was always a lot more regulated and toned down I guess...

And I suppose that was my first step to kinda becoming a loner.

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Later on in my life, my father got betrayed by his best friend - who was also quite a fatherly figure in my life then. In almost an instant, the people whom I thought truly loved me and my family left us. I had to go through the most painful 2 years of my life - nursing the wounds of betrayal and abandonment while having to put up with A LOT of changes. That betrayal caused us a few million dollars, my father's company as well as most of my parents' bank account. So I think we can all imagine the extent of that betrayal.

It stung. A lot. Even till today, almost 6-7 years later, I still feel hurt when I think of everyone who's left my family then.

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So I guess right there and then, I became a lot more wary of the people around me. I started over thinking things to a fault. I started choosing my friends. I started to talk lesser and learned how to observe more. I started to become the odd one out.

But I don't think I've ever been terribly unpopular as well. I mean as much as I was a loner, I also made quick friends and some really good/closer friends as well. I still mingled around... But you know, it's just kind of different.

I don't maintain friendships well, that's for sure. I hardly take the initiative to ask a friend out. I don't think I have much of an initiative at all.

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And now that I've gotten to another stage of my life, I see my lack of friendships even more apparently now... I hardly get invited to any parties, any gatherings or just anything at all... I talk to just that handful of same people everyday. I struggle to make friends or keep friends. I think throughout the past 3 years in my Polytechnic, I've sorta been the cause of at least 1 argument through all of my classes in the past 3 years.

And it's been terrible. While I enjoyed what I did in school for the past 3 years, I didn't particularly enjoy the process of it...

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But that's okay... Because after all these years, I think I have started to realize how I can thrive being alone. I've also realized that when I actually make the effort to keep friendships, I can preserve them really well. I've also learned how to put on appearances and talk more. I am also trying to be less hostile to new people and become more friendly.

It's almost like learning how to be human again. Except this time, probably with less defenses.

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This has been another incoherent 3am post. I seek your understanding and hope you understand what I've been trying to put across. There's no moral of story and there's nothing much you can learn from all these...

But I am pretty glad I got all these off me.

Goodbye & I will see you again!

Monday, May 23, 2011

About May

So the blogpost about Hanoi never did happen. I still love Hanoi and I still love whatever I've done there, but I think I won't do a blogpost about that for now.

Let's, instead, talk about my eventful month.

It's been a crazy month, it has. I joined a competition, I lost the competition. Launched a new collection for my online shop, not doing well. Lots of conflicts, arguments, unhappiness, sadness, disappointments and adjustments. Let's just say May has been an extremely painful month for me. But I'm nowhere near giving up.

I am now working to readjust my lifestyle by looking at potential funding opportunities, working doubly hard for my online shop, trying to ignore as much negativity as possible and I really just want to make my Birthday Month a happier month.

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I've been tired. It's been tiring trying to act like someone who's permanently energetic and happy like 99% of the time. The rest of the time I either blow up at something or someone, or I simply sit on my bed and cry. It's been so tiring.

People asked me if I was okay after losing the competition. I guess you could say I was okay. I wasn't upset, I wasn't crying, I wasn't extremely sad. But yes, I was disappointed. I mean the competition was kind of our only hope to funding the business. It was painful to lose that only string of hope you held on to for the last 3-4 months. But I do hope that the businesses who won the funds really make good use of it in the near future. The last thing I hope to do is to lose this to people who didn't want it as much as we did. But that's life.

You've got to deal with things you dislike.

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You know. I am just an average girl. I like surprises, I like gifts, I like fashion, I like the Internet, I like the sound of typing on my keyboard, I like my iphone, I love my friends, I love my boyfriend, I love my family...

And sometimes it feels like the average girl has to take on a lot more than she can take. It happens a lot and it's pretty exhausting.

But the average girl always has to learn how to be strong, how to be resilient to hurt and disappointment... She has to love herself.

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And this post makes no sense at all. It is perfectly disjoint and incoherent. But it's just the way an average girl likes it.

So let's just leave it as that and I'll see you guys soon again.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hanoi

Been a long break. I've been working on a vlog about hanoi and I think finally I will be able to share the video with the rest of you now!

So here it is!



And I will be uploading a picture + words post about Hanoi tomorrow!

So look out for that.

Loveee ♥