Vilvian: The Loner

I was talking about choosing schools with the boyfriend today and after the conversation, I think I pretty much realized how much of a loner I actually am...

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I recall back to the times when I was in upper primary. I think I was pretty unpopular with my classmates then. I guess I was pretty uncool... I didn't hang out with the "cool" people, I didn't have an "amoeba" (as they call it) assigned to me then, I didn't play soccer at the void deck after school with them... And I think I only had friends because I was slightly more affluent at that time. I mean even my teacher kinda hated me (but that's a story for another day).

So... Back then I don't think I had many friends at all. I mean I guess I had fun and all. But it's a different kind of fun. The type of fun they have when they are together is totally different from what they had with me. With me, it was always a lot more regulated and toned down I guess...

And I suppose that was my first step to kinda becoming a loner.

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Later on in my life, my father got betrayed by his best friend - who was also quite a fatherly figure in my life then. In almost an instant, the people whom I thought truly loved me and my family left us. I had to go through the most painful 2 years of my life - nursing the wounds of betrayal and abandonment while having to put up with A LOT of changes. That betrayal caused us a few million dollars, my father's company as well as most of my parents' bank account. So I think we can all imagine the extent of that betrayal.

It stung. A lot. Even till today, almost 6-7 years later, I still feel hurt when I think of everyone who's left my family then.

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So I guess right there and then, I became a lot more wary of the people around me. I started over thinking things to a fault. I started choosing my friends. I started to talk lesser and learned how to observe more. I started to become the odd one out.

But I don't think I've ever been terribly unpopular as well. I mean as much as I was a loner, I also made quick friends and some really good/closer friends as well. I still mingled around... But you know, it's just kind of different.

I don't maintain friendships well, that's for sure. I hardly take the initiative to ask a friend out. I don't think I have much of an initiative at all.

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And now that I've gotten to another stage of my life, I see my lack of friendships even more apparently now... I hardly get invited to any parties, any gatherings or just anything at all... I talk to just that handful of same people everyday. I struggle to make friends or keep friends. I think throughout the past 3 years in my Polytechnic, I've sorta been the cause of at least 1 argument through all of my classes in the past 3 years.

And it's been terrible. While I enjoyed what I did in school for the past 3 years, I didn't particularly enjoy the process of it...

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But that's okay... Because after all these years, I think I have started to realize how I can thrive being alone. I've also realized that when I actually make the effort to keep friendships, I can preserve them really well. I've also learned how to put on appearances and talk more. I am also trying to be less hostile to new people and become more friendly.

It's almost like learning how to be human again. Except this time, probably with less defenses.

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This has been another incoherent 3am post. I seek your understanding and hope you understand what I've been trying to put across. There's no moral of story and there's nothing much you can learn from all these...

But I am pretty glad I got all these off me.

Goodbye & I will see you again!