I wonder if there's any part of you that detects that I'm falling apart.

Sometimes I wonder if any of this is true. An I just looking at some weird paradox of my life? One moment everything is alright and the next everything seems like it's falling apart.

I'm so tired, so tired.

The fire that doesn't light up

I don't love you any lesser than I did a month ago. Maybe I love you more. Maybe this love has consumed me so much so that I don't know what love is anymore.

I remember just 2 years back, I wrote a post on how my heart was threatening to jump out of my body while waiting for you end work outside your work place. I remember how nervous I was to see you. How much I wanted for you to see my best. How much I craved to see you and to be in your arms again.

2 years later. We work together everyday. We are awesome partners at work. We complement each other's shortcomings. But is that same passion still there? Do I have to keep my heart in check anymore? Do I work hard to look my best in front of you everyday? Do I still crave to see you, to be in your arms for the same reason that I had 2 years ago?

I don't know when this happened. I don't think I know for sure.

But I feel like this relationship is starting to feel like a stale bread. Very dense, very heavy and not tasty anymore.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss us being happy together.

Nowadays it's just a ton of disagreements and a lot of boredom. We look at each other on different ends of the table with nothing much to say. All we can talk about is work.

I ask you daily "do you love me?", "do you miss me?"

It's became a routine. I ask not because I don't know what your answer is. I ask because I fear. I ask because I honestly don't know if I feel loved or missed or needed anymore.

Maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I'm just too closed up. Maybe I'm just too fearful of loneliness.

I don't know. I really don't.

Maybe I'm too greedy?

I just wish both of us would put just that bit more effort into each other. I just wish for that fire to come back again.

But maybe we've been burned to the wick. Maybe I can't light it up anymore.

This

"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack."

- When You’re Lonely, You’re Not Alone, Nico Lang, Thought Catalog

Oh. So this feeling all those years... Loneliness?

MITROE

It's been awhile, as usual. I've been working a lot harder lately. Maybe I've really sold myself to money. Maybe, in Singapore, after you hit your 20s, you automatically are upgraded to being a money slave. I feel like a slave to money. I guess you'd feel like that if you are a few thousands behind debts. I'm not sad anymore. Nor am I scared or angry. Maybe just a little tired. I just want to get my family out of this mess as soon as possible.

People see this business as something that will buy me materialism. They see this business as me being greedy and trying to take the easy way out instead of going to work.

I am not.

All I am trying to do is to fight for a better future for my family. Because they had a bright future once... But betrayal dimmed it. So all I'm trying to do is to light up the future route for them again.

It doesn't matter whether people hate me for what I'm doing. It doesn't matter if they think we are just money-grabbing teenagers. It doesn't matter if they don't understand.

Nothing matters anymore. Because all that matters... All that is left for to matter is

Money.

Burnt.

You know life has exhausted you when you have to drag yourself out of bed each morning.

When you head to your bed at 10pm and only fall asleep at 3am. Only to be jolted awake again at 4am and 5am and 6am and 7am until it's time for you to wake up. When you walk around like a walking zombie without a soul. When you space out with nothing in your mind at all. When you sit down doing nothing and start tearing out of nowhere. When you used to love social media to death and then nowadays you just wish social media would disappear from your life.

You know life has exhausted you.

Last night, I went to bed at 1.30am. At 2.30am, I opened my eyes and was confused as to whether or not I fell asleep. I wasn't sure if I spaced out thinking about work or if I was just asleep and jolted awake by stress. I coaxed myself back to sleep only to wake up again at 5am wondering what went wrong again. When I eventually had to drag myself out of bed at 7am, I hated my body for doing this wake up over and over thing to me.

This morning, I had a photography job to do. I felt like a clockwork-ed zombie. Like someone ran me on clockwork and I just had to do it.

I didn't feel life in me when I did it.

I sit around all day long with nothing particular in my mind. But random pangs of sadness keeps stabbing me. They keep coming at me for no apparent reason.

And this is how I know that life has burnt me out. It has burnt the flame in my heart out.

I still love the studio, I still love my job.

But when all you've worked on for one year is this, you get tired. And I am now exhausted.

I need a break. 

Self Loathing

It's 4.43am and I cannot seem to get to sleep. This post is going to get me quite a bit of hatred I suppose. But I think it is something I definitely have to get out of my system.

-

I, sometimes, think to myself that Depression, Anorexia, Bulimia and any other self-loathing is honestly speaking, the most selfish form of mental illness one can ever inflict upon his/herself. It is selfish because while you are self-loathing, you really don't see what's going around you.

You don't see the hurt mother who tries to feed you food only to hear you puking it down the toilet a few minutes later. 

You don't see the injured boyfriend who desperately tries to tell you you are pretty only to have you lash at him saying he's lying. 

You don't see the desperate friends around you trying to reassure you time and again that you look okay the way you are only to have you crying and saying no. 

You don't see that with your self hatred, you start hurting the people around you too. When you hate yourself, you become so absorbed into your own being that you start becoming selfish. You start becoming this aloof person who tries to hurt everyone and yourself because you think you hurt so much inside. 

You think no one understands you and the only people who vaguely understands you are the ones going through the same thing as you are. Very wrong. It is those people who makes you go deeper and deeper into your sorrows. It is those very people who makes you loathe yourself a lot more than you actually do.

-

I know that when I say this, I am going to have people telling me that I don't understand and that mental illnesses are scary and can potentially kill. Well, guess what. I fucking do. I understand every bit of pain that these people have went through because I went through that same phase myself.

I've injured myself deliberately, I've pinched myself time and time again, I've cried myself to sleep countless times just because, I've stuffed myself silly with food only to find myself bowing over a toilet minutes later, I've starved myself to the point that I ruined my Gastric, I've pointed out a million and trillion flaws that I seem to have today that I never saw yesterday...

I also almost threw myself down 10 levels. 

For many years, I hated myself to the core. I still don't love myself a lot but other than the occasional pinching, I believe I am a lot better now. I've never been declared clinically depressed but I believe that over the years, that might have been what I should have been diagnosed with if I ever brought myself to a shrink.

And now, I'm ready to stand strong again.

I never want to call myself fat again. If I feel fat, I'll go to a gym to work it off the proper way.
I never want to starve myself again.

I never want to cry for no rhyme and reason again. If I cry, it has to be for a good reason.

I never want to hurt myself again. I'll force myself to do some work if I ever feel that urge again.

I never want to hurt the people around me ever again because honestly speaking, they really don't deserve the hurt I've dealt towards them. All they did was to love me. All they did was to protect me against myself. And all they did was try and force me to see what they are seeing so that I'll stop doing it to myself.

When you are hurt, you indulge in your own pain. You don't see anything else around you. You're blinded by pain and anger. You feel like the whole world is unfair to you. 

It really isn't. The Earth works in a fair manner. What comes around, goes around. You just have to work for it. You just have to find it. 

Find yourself. 

Love.

Been a long while since I last blogged.

I was just watching the movie "You are the apple of my eye". It brought me tears, it brought me a lot of laughter, and most of all, it brought back a ton of memories.

In my high school years, I was an extremely normal girl. I was nerdy looking. My hair was always in a tight ponytail that was extremely messy... My clothes were always messy and sloppy looking. My shoelaces were permanently undone. My spectacles permanently on.

And normal is probably a compliment. I looked horrid.

I wasn't special. My grades were average at most. I had no special talents. I was average looking. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't skinny. I wasn't popular.

I was imperfect in every way known to me.

But I found you.

You gave me comfort when I needed someone to. You sent me off into my dad's car every freaking day. You waited for me after class. You were insanely annoying but yet irritatingly endearing.

And I remember all the times I'd sit down by the big window in the library looking for you in the crowd of uniformed boys. I remember all the time I'd stand by the ledge outside the library just waiting for you to finish up your training.

I remember our first date. I remember you freezing so much, your teeth were chattering throughout the whole movie.

I remember quick lunches at 7-11. I remember all the instant pizzas and sandwiches we shared while having to run back to school in the fastest possible time.

I remember that time when you were the parade commander and your voice broke.

I remember how annoying you used to be.

I remember how it was impossible to sit you down to make you learn literature.

I remember all the petty fights we had.

I remember the day you walked all the way to Tampines Mall just to try and find me because you thought I walked home.

I remember all the times you broke my heart and then mended it back together again.

I remember all the heartaches we had.

I remember how you had so many female friends that I was always insanely jealous of.

And I remember, and I remember.

But I am glad I found you. Because you brought so much tears, joy and laughter into my life. The amount of love I feel for you is probably not something that I can even understand at this point in my life. The amount of adoration is insane. The amount of fear I constantly feel for all your dangerous ways is also insane.

And I love you, and I love you.

The Secret.

I've been an avid fan of blog-hopping since I was 14. Somehow, reading about everyone else's life appeals to me in a very interesting manner. So I was extremely intrigued when I first read about how all the famous bloggers are following this book called "The Secret". 

I'll have to say that although the idea of following the book was intriguing, I did not believe in it. I still don't believe in the book. 

What I believe in, however, is that positivity begets positivity. And negativity, of course, brings around more negativity. 

The concept in The Secret is simple. It is to be thankful for what life brings to you and to be happy in order for more happy things to happen to you. 

And I believe in that. 

The reason why I don't believe in The Secret is because The Secret is commercialism and that this concept is not something you need to buy. It is something inbuilt in you that you should try and discover on your own. 

I remember when I was younger, I used to write down in my diary what I would really like to happen. For Crush XXX to talk to me. For myself to get great results. For my mum to get me a new toy. 

I'd write down what I wanted to happen 10 - 50 times, depending on how much I wanted it to happen, on my diary. And most of the time, if I wanted something to happen badly enough, it happens. 

So what I'm saying here is simple. If you want something, you work towards it. There is no Secret to it. You want something bad enough, you end up subconsciously working for it. And this, my dears, is why The Secret seems to work. It's because you believe in something so much that it happens. 

And I believe in hope. Like I've said before and again, hope is something so important and so close to my heart. I believe that in hope, you find life. I believe that if you hope, you achieve. 

If you want something badly enough and if you hope for that something badly enough... No matter how ridiculous that something is, you will get it. 

Hope

I think there was a time in my life where I lost hope. And let me just say that losing hope is probably the most miserable experience you'll ever be made to go through.

You walk around feeling like a living zombie.
You live because there are people who need you.
You have no purpose in life.
You feel shitty on a daily basis.
And there is no more direction, no more drive, no more passion.

Hope. Is a very important state of emotion. It is a very important thought. We all think that what's indispensable to our lives are water, air and food. But it is not true. It is hope that keeps us walking. If you get trapped in a desert for a day without food and water, you can survive if you remain hopeful that you'll be saved. The same person who feels that there is no hope for the situation will die as soon as his body breaks down.

The human mind is a powerful tool. It controls your body and your state of health.

My dad is losing hope. And looking at him lose hope is probably the hardest thing in my life. 


But I shall continue hoping that one day I'll be the one who injects hope back into his life all over again.

The business world

A businessman/woman has always been seen by the society as an extremely glamourous job. Who knew that behind this facade of a seeming glamourous and rich lifestyle is one that's exceedingly tough and exhausting?

I've never once thought that this route would be one that would be smooth and easy. But neither did I think that it was going to be so tough. 

Moving up to a management position from one that was always more or less free and easy is harder than anyone would have thought it would be.. 

No banks are willing to loan you money because you are so young and new in the industry. 

No companies are willing to lease you their machine because of the same damn reason. 

People try to rip you off all the goddamn time also because of the same damn reason. 

People disrespect you and try to cut you off all the time because you look so young and gullible. 

And god forbid, we are young and gullible. We are young and new in the industry. Yes, we are. 

But let me just say that because of every stone that people have thrown our way, I am more determined than ever to strive and do my best. I am more sure than ever that I'll make LNS so successful one day that the people who's ever looked down on us will end up regretting their lack of foresight. I'll persevere through every shit that people are ready to throw at me. 

And I will make our business successful. I'll do everything and anything at all in my capacity to make things work for us. 

The business world is one of the toughest industry you can ever enter. It is scaldingly scary. Everyone out there is out to get you and hurt your business. It is a battlefield out here. But to all entrepreneurs, hang in there please. Hang in there because only the fittest will survive in this battle. And you'll only be the fittest if you are willing to hang in there and do everything in your capacity to improve yourself and your business. 

And this is difficult but definitely worth every minute of your time if you are really, truly serious about it. 

Of life of late

After months and months of planning and slogging and working too hard to be true, we've finally moved La Novella Studio out to our new space at Eunos Techpark. I really, really love it here. I love how convenient it is to go home. I love how clean the environment is. I love how there's a canteen at level 3. I also love the amount of facilities that come with it.

But with a larger space like this comes a lot of new responsibilities. I've been working my heart out these days. Been coming out with a whole new host of plans that I wish I could disclose here right now but I can't... I'm excited by the possibilities that is in front of me but I'm also beyond afraid of what lies ahead.

I am scared because somewhere inside me is still that little girl who's afraid of taking up responsibilities. Somewhere inside me, I still feel unsure of every decision that I'm supposed to make. And it's scary because in my position, there is no room for uncertainty. There is no room for me to be unsure and unwilling to take up responsibilities. There is no more room for mistakes.

And sometimes, just sometimes. All these responsibilities choke me. It chokes the life out of me. 


Last year, this day, I graduated from Temasek Polytechnic. I vaguely remember the day. A lot has passed since that day. A lot has changed too. I am no longer working on Thursday Tales. I was trying to think of all that I've accomplished since graduation but nothing fantastic really comes to my mind. I kinda feel like I didn't achieve much after all.

One more year before my deadline for myself is up. Let's see some substantial results this year round, Vilvian.

21 mins before my 21st birthday

Hello everybody, it is exactly 11.39pm now and it's 21 minutes to my 21st birthday. Time has passed incredibly fast.

I cannot believe that I'm actually turning 21 this year.

I had a lot of emotions I'd like to share in this space earlier but I actually don't know how to phrase them in proper words anymore. Probably tomorrow when I get my thoughts sorted out, I will blog again.

But till then, happy birthday you. Happy birthday Vilvian.

The transition of aging gracefully

I think "aging gracefully" must have been said in irony. I don't think anyone can age gracefully. Think back of when you grew old from a wailing baby to a toddling toddler. How is it graceful when one minute you are lying peacefully on a bed and the next year you are clumsily falling all over the place? So no, there is no aging gracefully. Growing old, though, is something no one can help.

So here, this is how you know you've grown old. From a teenage young lady to a 20 year old with eye rings so dark it looks like jiggly puff could have drawn it in a fit of anger. That, by the way, is one of my favorite pokemons. And now, on to the list:

1) You know you've reached the next stage of your life when making plans with friends is never spontaneous anymore. There is no more "HEY LET'S MEET UP TOMORROW!!!11". It's always... "Hey, are you free next month?" Because no one is free enough for spontaneity anymore. And if anyone has anytime tomorrow, it's always making time for sleep. True Story.

2) You know you've grown old when sleeping late is just not cool anymore. Do you remember when sleeping at 5am was once the coolest thing on Earth? When you've reached your 20s', you are going to realize that all these sleeping at 5am was the worst shit you could have ever put your body through. Cuz your body is going to protest in the form of aches and extreme exhaustion.

3) You know you've successfully aged when there's no longer teenage angst. Instead, in its place, is a deep hollow that you don't seem to be able to fill until god knows when.

And I'll continue this post when my heart feels like it can take it.

Abrupt end

I've never really liked showing that I am too happy because:

1) I feel like if you show that you're too happy with your current life, something tragic will happen. :( Happened too many times in my life so once bitten, twice shy. I cannot allow myself to feel too happy anymore.

2) I think I'm just generally a more private person than necessary (these days, especially) so I don't really see the need to publicize to the whole world about my obvious happiness about life.

and

3) Because I've too many other baggages in life that I would love to solve before I get myself too comfortable with life.

-

Okay bye, abrupt end to a random post!

The past (I)

Since I really don't have much photos to blog about but I really really feel like blogging today, I shall show the 10-15 odd of you the most embarrassing photo I have of myself in my new macbook taken about 6 years ago!

HAHAHAHA Omg. I think this was after one of the boyfriend's NCC training while I was staying in class waiting for him to end training so that we can go home together, wtf. He made me wear his smelly NCC hat and forced me to take a photo so that explains my extremely forced face.

And now you see what I mean about extremely messy hair and uniform too! This was when I was in Secondary school so this was perpetually what I looked like in school without spectacles!

Omg! I found a whole folder worth of old photos so I guess that's what's going to go up on the blog today!

Hahaha and this was 5 years ago when I was still in Secondary 4 with extremely short hair cuz I got irritated with teachers saying that my hair was too messy! Hahahahaha. But still messy with short hair so I guess I didn't really cut it for a good reason?

This was taken back in 2008 with the two best friends. I think we were in Macdees then and must have been pretty bored to have done this. Miss the two girls so much. :( One's busy with school and the other is all the way in Australia busy in school too. And I'm busy with work so we haven't actually met up for the longest time, sigh. But I love the 2 of them to bits and will kill anyone who so much as dare to bully them. >:(

I shall leave the rest of my old photos to another post!!

These are some recent ones of me so you'll be able to see how much I've changed in appearances over the years!

Okay! Bye! Am going to head home from work soon so I'm very happy! :)

Am very frustrated with blogging because I cannot stand not having any pictures on the blog but because I have no life, I don't have pictures to blog about either.

This is very sad. I don't like blogging anymore. >:(

Gimme back my life!

A few months back, I'd never have thought that tomorrow will come true.

La Novella Studio is finally, finally going to expand. A lot happened in the last 6 months or so... But long story cut short: we opened a studio with close to zero faith, met some awesome people who helped out so so much, met some terrible people who just took advantage of what we had and we are finally expanding to a space that is a lot larger than what we expected.

6 months ago, we opened the studio with the thought of making 1-2k a month to fund our future projects. Who knew that we could manage to bring the studio up to what we have today? Who knew?

Who knew that it would become a joyous affair to see smiles from people coming out of the studio? Who knew that it would make me smile to know that they had fun? Who knew that I was going to step into the studio business at all? Who knew?

In less than 2 months time, I would be turning 21. Isn't it fast? Just a few years ago, I was a nerdy girl with tied up fringe, untidy hair and of course untidy clothes. Just a few years ago, I was 16 and had big dreams that I didn't know how to fulfill. And now, 5 years later, I am working on a project that I would have never imagined myself doing.

-

A lot of people asked me the reason behind La Novella Studio. There was no reason. Honestly.

The truth is that we were working on Thursday Tales then. There were very few studios to choose from that were reasonably priced and had vacancies for us. We also didn't really like travelling too much from where we lived. (In the east) We, then, thought that it would be nice to start up a studio for blogshop owners like us who couldn't find an affordable studio in the East. But we didn't act on it because we didn't know how well it would do. We were afraid that it just wouldn't work out.

At that point, we were working on a funding project by YES! Startups. And since we had to write a report on our future plans, we started doing research on how much it would cost to rent down a space to do up a studio. We started looking around for units and started doing adult-ish things like going for viewings (haha). We never intended to follow through with our plan.

But as we went on, we started discussing the possibility of actually just doing it. We started thinking that it would be great if we could just step in and start doing something instead of being so afraid all the time. At that point, we chanced upon the unit at Hola Centre, #05-10. It was one of the very very first units we viewed. After 3 viewings with the boyfriend, the father and the best friend, we decided to take down the unit. (I will have to say at this point that there was a very huge part of me who rented down that unit because of the unit number. It just so happened that 05-10 also represents my birthday, hahaha) 


And so, this was how La Novella Studio was founded. Because we were extremely tight on cash then, you will realize that the studio is really bare on renovation.

But I am glad we followed through with our plans. I am glad we didn't give up. I am glad that even though the first 2 months seemed bleak, we just decided to continue doing it.


And I don't know who reads this blog anymore but I would really really really love to thank all the people who have played a part in bringing La Novella Studio to where it is today. We might not be a very large thing yet. But we are definitely growing. And thank you to all of you for your support.

Thank you Beth, thank you Elaine, thank you Jalyn, thank you to all my dear friends who have forked out time and effort to help me with the studio. Thank you guys. Thank you.

Lonely

Loneliness is a funny feeling. You could be surrounded by a million people, and still feel lonely. And yet, you can just have the company of one person and feel whole again. 

Haven't seen any of my friends for the longest time. (With the exception of meeting up with the male bestie for a 1 hour lunch session the other day) 

It occurs to me that we've all grown so old, all so wrapped up in our own lives, busy with work and school, we just don't have all the luxury to fork out time for each other anymore. It's sad because I really miss some people in my life. 

But it's a really really upsetting period in my life currently and I am also sick of burdening my friends with my incessant rants about life. 

I have so much to write but I feel like it's almost impossible to translate all my feelings into words. I feel pained. I feel lonely. But I also feel alive. 

I don't know how this makes sense. 

I miss you.

It's one more day before the start of the third month of the year. Unknowingly, we have already reached the first quarter of the year. Isn't life amazing? It has this knack of passing us by when we least expect it to. This year is passing way too quickly.

In another 20 days time, La Novella Studio would have officially reached its 6th month of operation. It doesn't even feel like that. It doesn't even feel like I've been doing this for the past 6 months. I can still remember the day we first got the keys to this place. I can still remember when this place was bare as a newborn baby. I can still remember feeding on furniture shopping. The memories feel so faded now though...

We are moving on to a new location very soon. It's so very surreal. And the same things are happening to us all over again. Except this time round, you're not around. I wish Army restricted less freedom. I wish Army didn't bring you all the way to Thailand. I wish you were back by my side now. I wish for the 22nd of March to come as soon as it can.

It's the 29th of February today. We've never spent this day together despite having known each other for almost 7 years now. The last February 29th, you spent the day working and we had our relationship on the rocks. This February 29th, you are away in Thailand.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

2012

It's the 3rd day of 2012 and I'm already back to work. Back then when I still had my old blog, I'd take time off every 31st December to blog through the new year and set new resolutions for myself. I'd even recap the whole year and see if it was a good or a bad one.

I don't think I'm going to do much of a long post this year around mainly because I'm pretty lazy and still have a bit of work to do so I don't think I can do a long one anyway.

2011 was generally speaking, an eventful year. I finished Poly (finally!), I joined Start Up @ Singapore and got into the finals with the lovely friends, I started up La Novella with the boyfriend and we are finally starting to break even. :)

I had a lot of downtimes this year because of my lack in better time and stress management. I suppose this year, I'll have to work on them a little more.

It's still a little hard to believe that I've finally finished my 3 years of Polytechnic education and have moved on to carving out our own little world here. It's also especially difficult to believe that I'll be 21 in 4 months time -_- The boyfriend will officially be turning 21 in 2 days and I've literally prepared nothing for him. :/

I'm glad I got through 2011 - it was the year of a lot of tears, a lot of hard work, a million surprises, rebuilding friendships and just generally speaking, a year of beginnings.

Hopefully 2012 will see major expansions in La Novella's operations and a generally better relationship with the boyfriend, the family and all my dearest friends.

Here's wishing everyone out there who happens to read this a very happy new year and I hope 2012 will be a good year for you no matter where you are and what you do!